Well, when I married Sujoy the love of my life after dating him for 7 years I did not anticipate that I will ever fall out of love in our relationship. And yes, that is also a reminder for me and you that nothing is permanent. Our marriage has been rock solid majority of the times. However I would be lying if I said it was strong all the times.

 

Though the reasons we know of falling out love are so stereotypic – extra marital affairs, lack of communication, physical abuse etc., mine was something which I couldn’t fathom. I have the courage to come out today and speak about it because I know many of us might be in this space of agony. Especially after we welcome a baby in our homes.

 

When Rey my son was born, my life turned upside down forever. He came after 7 years of wait, after a long series of grief and longing. When we had lost hope altogether. Imagine how happy and joyful I must have felt. In reality, I felt like shit. I have never been a hands on mother. Till date I have never been able to swaddle my baby the way Sujoy could. I was a lousy diaper changer too. Apart from that, the sleep deprivation and the constant nursing was making me feel like a zombie. As if some one has sucked the joy out of my life. I kept questioning myself, “Am I cut out to be a mother?” “I waited for this joy for so long and today when it is here why am I miserable instead?” I never felt capable of being alone with Rey. I have been super lucky and still I am to have this amazing support system around me. And I always leaned on this support sytem.

 

I was in postpartum depression. Cried on the smallest of things. And got triggered on things big and small. And that was the beginning to the marriage woes. I craved to be back to work becuase that was my place where I outshone myself every single time. Motherhood wasn’t tangibly rewarding enough as my work. That deprivation sucked the joy out of me.

 

Oh well, I was there for Rey in every capacity a mother needs to be in terms of attending to his daily needs. However only physically. My mind and heart wandered else where.

 

And there was this growing distance created between me and my husband. How much ever he did to support me, I felt it was not enough. The physical intimacy was dwindling. I only spat out venom on the smallest of things. Having a baby with nasty colic didn’t help the situation at all. Things were getting messier and the distance was growing until I came to a point where I could not handle it anymore.

 

I had to ask myself “Where are we heading as a couple?” “Is this the marriage I want to be in?” “Why am I getting triggered with every little thing?” When it came to a point of suffocation, is the time when I thought to myself “Enough is enough”. I realised I had to do something about it or it will eat up our marriage. And deep in my heart I still loved my husband. When I began to work on myself and got deeper to the root cause, what came up astonished me completely.

 

After a lot of soul searching and being honest with myself, the reason which came up was blaring. The incompetency which I harbored as a mother manifested into the feeling of “No one’s life has changed as much as mine after delivering a baby”. No one stopped going to work after Rey’s birth except me. No one woke up in the night to nurse him as me. No one stopped their lives after having a baby like me. The resentment was huge and was gnawing inside me. It felt horrible and heavy.

 

It wasn’t that I was not given a chance to be someone else than a mother. My husband always encouraged me to go out and meet friends while he promised to take care of our son. But in my head I wanted to stay this victim. Victim of being a mother whose life has changed upside down. To a point where I could not be where I was. It was hurting me, my marriage, my relationship with my son and my energy. The most dark time of my marriage.

 

They say it is the darkest just before the dawn. And here was my dawn after this darkness. I started working on my self and my resentment. I was done being a victim of my life. I now wanted to be the heroine of my story. Well, no it wasn’t easy but it wasn’t impossible. Working with an aligned coach, I could navigate through this deep festering inside me.

 

Have I overcome it completely? May be not. However I am so happy where I am today. Not a proud moment to confess all this, hey but all of us are human. And as I speak with so many working mothers out there I can hear and feel this same story in them. What I thought was only me, turns out I am not alone. And it is ok to feel all of it. What isn’t ok is to be a victim forever.

 

I want as many working mothers to know that, you can be the heroine of your stories too. You are not alone and you can seek help. Imagine the cost of not seeking and investing help today – a broken marriage, a broken family and a broken child. What costs you more? Choose wisely.

 

I am here to help you if you are ready to master and achieve love in your motherhood and marriage just the way you love your work! Stay blessed my fellow working mommy!

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