pet

We lost Bosky a few days ago all of a sudden and I have been attempting to pen down what it feels like. To be honest since the last few days, I have opened my journal and ‘nothing’ has poured out. At one point it felt like I am still feeling all the feels and experiencing grief first hand after a long long while. This blog is a culmination of snippets written at different times during the last week or so.

The last time grief hit me was when I was quite young and naive. And now Bosky. Someone with whom I lived day in and day out for the past 2 years. I am understanding grief in such a different light this time. I am also witnessing first hand how grief of losing a loved one looks on everyone. For some it looks like incessant tears, for others it looks like being the pillar of the home, for some it looks like mourning silence and then for some it looks like celebrating the lost life. And yet the commonality which binds all of them is ‘the necessity to cherish the loved one’.

The first reflex is unacceptance. The next day when we woke up, I was still expecting her to be outside our bedroom waiting eagerly for us to wake up and open the door. And when that didn’t happen, reality slowly started sinking in. I mourned. I cried. The tears wouldn’t stop in some moments. And slowly the grief started moving from my body towards the surface, one tear at a time, one memory at a time. It was hard. It is hard.

Brené Brown in her book ‘Rising Strong’ mentions “Grief is like surfing. Sometimes you are steady and you are able to ride the waves, and other times the waves come crashing down on you, pushing you so far underwater that you are sure you will drown“. The steady time was when I immersed myself in work, or mindlessly browsed on social media or tended to Rey and his needs. And I felt those drowning moments too multiple times – opening the fridge and seeing the vacant spot where we kept her chicken, her sofa chair in the terrace where Rey does’t let us sit saying it is Bosky’s chair, coming home from outside and realizing there is no barking or a wagging tail awaiting us and Rey repeating “I want Bosky but Bosky has gone to God’s place”. Drowning and Suffocating.

Pug

And then there are some moments for which you are extremely grateful. We could spend the past 2 plus years with her, that our return from US feels destined now. Rey could know her and spend these precious moments with her. That she left us during the silence of the night when Rey was fast asleep. He did not have to endure the ugly part of the entire ordeal. And that she left us peacefully and no prolonged illness or pain. Absolutely grateful!

Death is a funny reality. You start appreciating the loved one more after they are gone. And it felt like a tight slap on my face. For the moments I ignored her after Rey came, for the times something else was given priority than her, for the times she gave us so much unconditionally and to realise ‘we were her entire world’.

It has made me aware of how granted we take our life and our loved ones. It has opened my eyes the hard way. Maybe now we live better. Maybe now we value what we have. Maybe now we put more into our relationships. Maybe now we realize life is unpredictable and make the most of this very moment.

dog

And as I am thinking of her and her life, I cannot sum up my feelings without this quote here –

Closed eyes, heart not beating, but a living love.”
~ Avis Corea

That living love is what will sustain us for now and forever. That living love is what we rebuild our lives with. That living love is our essence of living from now on.

With us forever in our hearts, the living love called Bosky ❤️

One Response

  1. I understand what you all are going through. I have been through this. Stay strong we will meet them when we cross the rainbow bridge . I have read many blogs which says they will wait fo us across the rainbow bridge ❤️

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